Thursday, March 27, 2014

The here and now… laid out bare

All is not okay here.
I have been on the brink of losing it because of feeling so lonely. Yes, I know the Lord is always with me and so on but lately I have just needed a friend to talk to…in person. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I have needed someone to confide in and gain support. David and I here are so worn out, stressed out and burned out from all that is being thrown at us. Some days are better than others… lately there has just been a string of bad days. Or maybe it is just my perspective. I just can’t process much lately or move forward. I can’t get out of those crazy funks I get in when something annoys me or really bothers me. I am drowning here and it seems that friends and family are too busy to notice. Or maybe I am just not communicating well. I don’t know what I really need. I know I need to have some better quiet time with my Father in heaven instead of trying to avoid it like a plague. I know that I need to talk out a lot of these things with someone but no one is around that I trust to share my heart with except for David and he is already overwhelmed with everything. It is just not a healthy place to be in. I have been short tempered and easily angered at the slightest things. I have not given grace freely to those around me and it is taking a toll on them and me. I just can’t go on like this any longer. I have to get out of this sick cycle.

I found that getting out and taking a walk with the little ones helped me a bit. I need a longer break than that though. I wish I was comfortable with driving here because I just need a personal day away from everyone and everything that faces me at home. I need a break. I need direction. Life with 19 children is overwhelmingly difficult when I feel hopeless and helpless

Got any suggestions? Anything that has helped you deal with the craziness of life?

I have been blessed by those who have wrote me a note of encouragement and have told me that they are thinking of me. I appreciate your help and positive light on life.

My verse currently that rolls around in my head:
“But I will sing of your strength,
in the morning I will sing of your love;
for you are my fortress,
my refuge in times of trouble.”
Psalm 59:16
Trying to declare this verse in my life has been a struggle. I want to praise God through this storm…through this season of loneliness. I have been reading a research paper on “The Emotional Needs of Women on the Mission Field” by Ruth Ann Graybill and it has really opened my eyes to the fact that I need to deal with these emotions that I am feeling. I need to build a good support base back home where we can stay in regular contact and share and pray together. One missionary wrote in that research paper: “There’s a sadness and depression that comes from dealing with constant poverty of soul, spirit, and material things surrounding most missionaries. Coping with these often requires spiritual ‘contortions’ ---how do we not be overcome with sadness and depression when we offer only a tiny drop of help in the sea of human misery? These are VERY real issues. Being compassionate means daily hurting for all the hurts around you.” David and I can’t do this on our own. The devil loves it when my/our emotional needs are not being met or addressed because then I/we become ineffective and worn out. Please pray for us. Help us.

Only love, Laurel for Grace Family

1 comment:

  1. Laurel, I am aching for you as I read this. I think about you almost daily and you haven't known. I hesitate to give advice because it seems trite. I lived in a different culture but I didn't deal with poverty and multiple children who needed me day in and day out, I remember the last time we were in Japan, a friend had the book "The Path of Lonliness" by Elisabeth Elliott. I strained to read a little of it in the night while staying at her house so i didn't get much read. It might be an encouragement to you and if you would like to read it, I will get a copy and send it to you. I will be praying for you.