All is not okay here.
I have been on the brink of losing it because of feeling so
lonely. Yes, I know the Lord is always with me and so on but lately I have just
needed a friend to talk to…in person. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I have
needed someone to confide in and gain support. David and I here are so worn
out, stressed out and burned out from all that is being thrown at us. Some days
are better than others… lately there has just been a string of bad days. Or
maybe it is just my perspective. I just can’t process much lately or move
forward. I can’t get out of those crazy funks I get in when something annoys me
or really bothers me. I am drowning here and it seems that friends and family
are too busy to notice. Or maybe I am just not communicating well. I don’t know
what I really need. I know I need to have some better quiet time with my Father
in heaven instead of trying to avoid it like a plague. I know that I need to
talk out a lot of these things with someone but no one is around that I trust
to share my heart with except for David and he is already overwhelmed with
everything. It is just not a healthy place to be in. I have been short tempered
and easily angered at the slightest things. I have not given grace freely to
those around me and it is taking a toll on them and me. I just can’t go on like
this any longer. I have to get out of this sick cycle.
I found that getting out and taking a walk with the little
ones helped me a bit. I need a longer break than that though. I wish I was
comfortable with driving here because I just need a personal day away from
everyone and everything that faces me at home. I need a break. I need
direction. Life with 19 children is overwhelmingly difficult when I feel
hopeless and helpless
Got any suggestions? Anything that has helped you deal with
the craziness of life?
I have been blessed by those who have wrote me a note of
encouragement and have told me that they are thinking of me. I appreciate your
help and positive light on life.
My verse currently that rolls around in my head:
“But I will sing of your strength,
in the morning I will sing of your love;
for you are my fortress,
my refuge in times of trouble.”
Psalm 59:16
Trying to declare this verse in my life has been a struggle.
I want to praise God through this storm…through this season of loneliness. I
have been reading a research paper on “The Emotional Needs of Women on the
Mission Field” by Ruth Ann Graybill and it has really opened my eyes to the
fact that I need to deal with these emotions that I am feeling. I need to build
a good support base back home where we can stay in regular contact and share
and pray together. One missionary wrote in that research paper: “There’s a
sadness and depression that comes from dealing with constant poverty of soul,
spirit, and material things surrounding most missionaries. Coping with these
often requires spiritual ‘contortions’ ---how do we not be overcome with
sadness and depression when we offer only a tiny drop of help in the sea of human
misery? These are VERY real issues. Being compassionate means daily hurting
for all the hurts around you.” David and I can’t do this on our own. The
devil loves it when my/our emotional needs are not being met or addressed
because then I/we become ineffective and worn out. Please pray for us. Help us.
Only love, Laurel for Grace Family
Laurel, I am aching for you as I read this. I think about you almost daily and you haven't known. I hesitate to give advice because it seems trite. I lived in a different culture but I didn't deal with poverty and multiple children who needed me day in and day out, I remember the last time we were in Japan, a friend had the book "The Path of Lonliness" by Elisabeth Elliott. I strained to read a little of it in the night while staying at her house so i didn't get much read. It might be an encouragement to you and if you would like to read it, I will get a copy and send it to you. I will be praying for you.
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